'Bachelorette': Goodbye Charlotte, hello narcissism

Boy, it’s a good thing ABC moved production of “The Bachelorette” to Charlotte this season. The flight to Bermuda is a lot shorter from CLT than it is from LAX.

After what seemed to amount to a couple of nights in Emily Maynard’s hometown, where producers agreed to set up shop to accommodate their new star’s desire to minimize disruption in her 6-year-old daughter’s life, host Chris Harrison gleefully tells the 13 remaining bachelors at the beginning of Monday night’s episode: “Pack your bags because you’ll be leaving this mansion forever!”

 “Emily has already left Charlotte,” he says, and is playing croquet, flying kites and spinning around on a hilltop in paradise with Ricki, having what appears to be much more fun than she’s had with any of her suitors.

This week involves three dates:

• A one-on-one date with Doug in which they go boutique shopping, sample cakes, try perfumes, making us wonder whether he is the perfect boyfriend or a gigantic sycophant. At dinner, he tells Emily his greatest flaws are that he spends too much time with his son and won’t wash her car very often, so we are leaning heavily toward the latter. He gets a rose anyway.

• A group date involving Arie, Jef, Kalon and Ryan, who narrowly defeat Charlie, Chris, Sean and Travis in a urinating contest disguised as a sailboat race. Arie gets to make out on the beach with her, Jef doesn’t, Kalon must have articulated nothing of interest at all in Bermuda because he gets almost zero screen time, Ryan gets his share of screen time and then some while babbling platitudes about depth and good timing and communication skills (in speeches that lead us to believe he has none of the above). Emily gives Jef the rose, perhaps to keep Arie from getting too big a head.

• A two-on-one date involving a guy whose nickname is “Wolf” and a kid named Nate. Neither do much that’s memorable beyond turning their noses up at quinoa, then Emily flips a mental coin and sends Nate on his way.

The biggest trend emerging is that apparently crying is a bad omen. Charlie cries in the van on the way back to the hotel after his team’s loss (my mind reels as it tries to comprehend why); he does not get a rose and is sent home. Nate cries while telling Emily about his awesome brother (why his bro is awesome isn’t clear); he does not get a rose and is sent home. Michael cries after he is eliminated, although maybe it’s just because his ponytail is too tight.

Meanwhile, Chris – who has a superiority complex because he’s the most mature 25-year-old on the planet – gets annoyed at Doug. Doug – who has a superiority complex because he’s the only dad in the group – gets annoyed with Arie. Arie – who has a superiority complex because he’s fairly level-headed and most of the other guys are toolbags – gets annoyed at Ryan. And Ryan … well, Ryan has a superiority complex, too. Titanic-sized one. But see, he's just doing his due diligence. As he does his due diligence, Ryan says things like “I personally feel like God has blessed me in a lot of ways. I’m romantic, I’m athletic and a charming guy, all those things.”

And “I guess guys do see me at the head of the pack, a guy they have to beat out. Sometimes actually I feel sorry for them.” And “I’m a good catch, and I think that other guys see that.”

Next week, the group heads to London, where Emily gets angry at someone and tells them to “Get the ---- out.” Please, please, PLEASE let it be Ryan.