Friday, February 11, 2011

The Weirdest Craigslist ads of 2010

The headline says it all. Enjoy.

1. I hear messages from God through the fillings in my teeth - w4m - 25 (Portland)

Resourceful tall chick with a lot of time on her hands looking for a friend first. Loves: diner food, documentaries on Netflix, and Dwight Schrute. Dislikes: Neo-cons, low credit scores, and bad grammar. I’m a writer and an avid blogger so be warned that photos of your ----, your motorcycle, or your boat may be subject to merciless online mockery.

2. You were dressed as a chair! - w4m (berkeley)

You were at the Missouri Lounge on Halloween dressed as a chair! Are you serious?

You might have had the best costume i've ever seen, at least my friends and I thought so (and every other person who was there, lol). Its refreshing to see awesome people who aren't Zombies, Lady Gaga or a Giants player. Anyway, you were super cute. You had a cool name, but I forgot it..... (Sorry I was kinda drunk, LOL). I hope you see this!!!!!!!1

3. You slept in my bed last night - m4w (Atlanta)

ME: A guy coming home to find you asleep in my bed.
YOU: Stunningly attractive blonde slightly undressed.
ME: Strangely bemused, but too tired and distracted by other women in my head to care.
YOU: Gone this morning when I woke up.
ME: Trying to determine from roommates who you were, but they have no clue (they really aren't too conscious right now and think I am lying).

If you attended what must have been a great party last night (I can tell from the mess) and slept in some guys bed then please poke me back, I have some things here that might be yours. Also, let me know if you will be back tonight and I will change the sheets.

Finally, thank you for not taking my side of the bed, THAT would have been awkward.

4. I'm the Girl that Ripped the Picasso Painting At The Met - w4m (New York)

This was on Friday at the Met. I remember you from the elevator when we were going from the 1st floor to the 2nd floor. You were the guy wearing the red sweater...

I held the door open for you and you smiled at me. I saw you again in the Cubism section. I was standing in front of The Actor painting by Picasso. You were looking at Matisse's "View of Collioure and the Sea". You were standing there for a while, sketching in a brown notebook. I was about to approach you, but froze up and ended up tripping and falling into the painting leaving a small tear.

I think you left before the security got there.

If you read about this in the news the next day, I'm the girl from the elevator.

5. Outter Carrot Eater … To Eat Outter Part Of Baby Carrots (Vancouver)

Alright, So I need somebody to come over once a week & eat the outter part of baby carrots so that I can enjoy the sweet succulent center of the carrot.

You will also need to throughly wash each center carrot, for the prevention of germs is necessary.

Please do not have herpes or any STDS.

I am very serious about this, I really only enjoy the center of the carrots.
You must be good at taking little bites.

I'm hoping to get a large bowl full once per week.
Will pay 50 Cents per carrot.
So 100 Carrots Semi-Eaten = 50 bucks cash in your pocket.

It's really simple enough.
Serious inquires only please!

6. Tell Me If My Breath Smells for $600 Per Hour (Chicago)

I’d like to be able to occasionally meet someone and have them tell me if my breath smells. I would pay $5 for each breath that you evaluate. At a given meeting, I might only ask you to evaluate one or two breaths. I would pay for each breath evaluated. For example, if you evaluated my breath twice at one meeting, I’d pay you $10.

If your evaluation of one breath takes 30 seconds, that would mean that your compensation would be at a rate of $600 per hour, since $5 in 30 seconds = $10 in 1 minute = $600 in 60 minutes. Thus, the compensation that you’d be getting in this arrangement would be very high compared to the time you’d be spending to get it.

Here are aspects of the arrangement that I’d like to set up:

- You could discontinue the arrangement at any time.
- You would never have to travel. I could come to you.
- If we met at your home, I wouldn’t need to step inside your home, since we would just have a brief interaction and then exchange money.

Please respond only if you meet the following requirements:

- You must not have any habits or physical conditions that could impair your sense of smell. For example, you must not be a smoker or have any nasal/sinus condition.
- You must be willing to be completely honest in your evaluations of my breath. Please don’t respond to this post unless you’d be truthful in telling me your perception of my breath.

So basically, I’m asking for honesty and a good sense of smell. If you meet those requirements and you’re interested, please email me with a description of your location, so I can estimate how long I would have to travel to meet you. Telling me your neighborhood or major cross streets would suffice.

7. To the Policeman who confiscated my roach - w4m - 23 (22nd skytrain station)

Thanks a lot man, even though I told you I have insomnia and will not be able to be present for my little sisters christmas without that small little roach, you still chose to confiscate it.

Making little girls cry on christmas is the Grinch's job isn't it, not the cops?

Well, I wish you and your family a Merry Christmas, may it be filled with tons of joy and family, 'cause I know mine sure as hell won't be ;]

8. $850 Looking for new Roommate… (Must Keep Record of Bowel Movements). (Capitol Hill)

I have a bedroom (12 x 14ft) available starting on June 1st (1 year lease) for a male or female roommate. My previous roommate just moved out since his work (for the federal government) took him to another city. We'll be sharing a bathroom, kitchen, and living room. The apartment is spacious and well lit by natural light.

… One more thing, please read this so we don't waste each others' time! On our bathroom door is a checklist. I like to keep a record of my bowel movements and I expect you to do the same. It's a just a simple checklist with each day of the month, simply place a check on the day if you have a bowel movement. It's no big deal and you needn't worry about replacing the list, I'll take care of everything. Hope to hear from you!

9. Spacious Studio Igloo: $200 A Month OBO … (Ann Arbor)

Looking for a renter for a 70 square foot igloo (4' x 5' entrance tunnel, 4' radius living area.) An excellent choice for EMU art students as it is located right next to the Ford Building on Eastern's campus. Quiet neighborhood consisting mostly of squirrels. Heat, plumbing and electric not provided.

Water included (must be melted by occupant.)
Includes hole in roof for bonfires to prevent asphyxiation.
Neighborhood security provided free by campus police.

$200 a month OBO.

*Landlord not responsible for property melting.

10. House Burning Party (Washington, Vermont)

After three years of doom and gloom due to losing our house and most all of our belongings to black toxic mold, we've decided that it's time to have a little fun and party our troubles away. As such, we're hosting a house burning on Saturday, September 25th.

According to most everyone we've ever interacted with--lawyers, judge, insurance company, mortgage company, town office that doesn't understand why we want our house value reassessed, et. al--our situation is "unique" which means we're looking for a unique party. Here's where you come in: let us know what you can contribute to the festivities in an email, along with pricing information. (Please keep in mind that we we lost all of our stuff, are kind people that volunteer our time in third world countries from time to time, are the sort that turn off lights when we leave a room to save the world for your children's future, and would never, ever make our friends bring their own beer to a party that we're hosting!) A partial list of ideas is included below, but any and all suggestions will be considered.


Anonymous said...

If you think those are wierd, I've come stranger on the w4m, m4w sections ... Once remember someone posting on there and looking for a companion for their dog. I'm talking about "adult" companion.